The Bachelorette casting director woke up one morning and chose absolute chaos for Katie’s season. ABC released the cast bios and they are some of the most unhinged I’ve seen in the decade I’ve been paying attention to the franchise.
My guy Austin here says he’s “searching for the Beyonce to his Jay-Z.” As in, a woman who will write an entire, phenomenal album about how you cheated on her?
Christian dreams of driving the Batmobile one day. A vehicle that does not exist, driven by a fictional character created for children.
Brandon’s bio contains more red flags than a Saturday morning swim meet at the public pool. “Brandon is quirky, intelligent and unapologetically himself. He attended Northwestern University where he says he learned to outgrow behaviors that limit his progress as a person. He currently spends most of his weekends at home working on a new skill he's trying to develop. Currently, languages are a big interest of his – he is fluent in Japanese and Spanish and is working on expanding his Korean vocabulary. Brandon needs a woman who understands the importance of putting in effort. He's looking for an equal partner in life and says he could never be with anyone who would issue him an ultimatum. Brandon's ideal date would be filled with meaningful conversation, delicious cocktails and a nightcap at home getting cozy over movies and snacks. His idea of a romantic gift is a home-cooked meal or a handwritten letter. For Brandon, it's the experiences in life and not the material things that matter most.”
And if all that wasn’t threatening enough, here are the fun facts he lists about himself:
- Brandon loves to attend the occasional rave.
- Brandon HATES exorbitantly overpriced restaurants.
- Brandon loves Japanese and Korean R&B.
- Brandon finds joy hitting the open road on a motorcycle.”
Nothing a woman wants more than a cheap guy who won’t buy her dinner, expects her to put in all the effort, has an ultimatum against ultimatums, and thinks he’s fluent in Japanese.
But it’s this guy I can’t stop thinking about:
In his bio Marty states that he “explicitly prefers to watch movies indoors.” Marty, please, tell me what your movie watching experiences have been because I think we might have some stuff we need to unpack.
Irene and I dig into every bio and Instagram feed on our special bonus episode out today:
This season is going to be a mess and we’ll be here for you every step of the way.
Just like Emily and I are here for you while your favorite celebrity couples from seventeen years ago reunite.
And the newest celebrity couples get a little wacky (re: Taika, Rita, Tessa)
In more cinematic news, Eli and I watched, and laughed at, The Woman In The Window.
Plus Dr. Death, Savannah Guthrie’s interview with Ellen, My Octopus Teacher, This Is A Robbery, and Mare of Easttown, which Emily and I are covering AT LENGTH on our Patreon (become a patron for $3.00 a month!)
Top Chef just gets better and better, and has inspired Irene and I to take on more ambitious cooking projects in our own kitchen.
Someone asked for the links to the recipes we discussed and the restaurants at which we dined, and duh, I should have have been included those links all along.
And finally, Hive Mind contributor Rachel Harris wrote a loving farewell to a stage that means so much to her and countless other students in her piece Hillcrest Says Final Goodbye to Auditorium in “Follies.”
Coming Up On Hive Mind
We watched Nightcrawler at a listener’s request. I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would and am excited to either discuss it or argue about it. The Friends reunion is this Sunday so we’ll have a podcast episode shortly thereafter. We’ll recap the latest Top Chef and cover the final, sure to be devastating, episode of Mare of Easttown, plus whatever nonsense celebrities engage in this week.