The Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City Episode 11

He's Alive

I regret to inform you that this episode starts in Mary’s house, where Mary—whose pee must be radioactive given all those supplements on the counter—is making breakfast:

Who is taking the child vitamins?

Mary and Robert Senior are arguing about whether or not to keep their Florida home. Robert wants to sell it.

The following statement is in response to Mary asking Robert if he would get rid of her if she was old, but I feel like it applies to Mary anytime, anywhere:

In Park City, Meredith and Brooks are shopping for groceries at Riverhorse Provisions, 

where I once bought some Children’s Tylenol. 

BROOKS NOOOOOOOOOOO

Is there anything more exhausting than being around someone on an insanely restrictive diet and has no medical reason to be?

Also, I’m pretty sure if I wore this to my local grocery store I would be arrested:

Someone explain the physics of this top to me.

At the Shah Chalet, Jen and Sharrieff plan a blind date for Heather with Sharrieff’s long-time friend Big Daddy.

Next, Whitney launches into some family/dad drama:

This storyline is sensitive and kind of dark, so I’m not going to write about it.

Steve’s hair is still bonkers.

That’s all you need to know.

Then we’re back at Cucina Toscana, because I guess they paid the big money and got two episodes.

Jen is setting Heather up with Big Daddy as a gift of sorts because she feels bad after Heather told her she worries Jen would rather be friends with Lisa and Meredith.

Again, these women are in their forties.

At first the setup appears to be a success:

Heather’s into it:

But then Big Daddy makes the mistake of not ordering alcohol:

And Heather is NOT into that:

Not everyone drinks? And some people have a bad history with drinking? We might not have the whole story here, Heather.

Then Heather asks Big Daddy about his work as a recruiter, and he goes on

and on

and on

and on 

and on.

So in the end, Heather appreciates the gesture from Jen, but hasn’t found love.

Whitney wants to repair the relationships she damaged with her drunken shenanigans at Sharrieff’s party, so she plans a girls trip and invites the other housewives:

The invitees respond with varying degrees of enthusiasm:

Which of them do we think is the android user messing up the whole vibe with their stupid green texts? There’s one in every group text.

Grapefruit is the best La Croix and I respect Jen knowing that.

We don’t need the qualifier, Mer.

The head attached to this Big Bird ensemble is Mary’s. She makes sure to mention that she and Robert Sr. own a house in Vegas and that it’s beautiful. But she would rather have a plane full of mice than be in Vegas with Jen and she hates rodents. What her Vegas house has to do with any of that is not clear.

Woof.

Lisa immediately calls Meredith to complain about being invited:

Lisa has not moved on from Whitney telling Jen that Meredith and Lisa are afraid of her.

I’m pretty sure the trip is the apology?

The women prepare for their two-day trip to Vegas by packing for an overseas voyage:

Is that a Brooks Marks jacket? It has masking tape down the sleeves so it must be.

Jen is not only packing clothes and shoes, but lies as well:

Whatever this man’s salary is, it should be double.

The ladies gather in the old SLC airport:

Pour one out for the iconic linoleum.

And Whitney has new hair. 

Sure.

Turns out Lisa did decide to come on the trip, but not travel with the group.

She never told Whitney she was coming.

The women arrive in Vegas and find two limos, one for them, and one for their luggage:

Look. I’m an overpacker.

So I really shouldn’t cast stones. But that’s an entire cart full of one person’s luggage for a two day vacation and I just have a lot of questions, like is this some sort of reverse Mary Poppins situation?

Whitney calls Lisa from the car and the call goes straight to voicemail.

But then, four seconds later, Lisa calls Meredith, you guys!

In her ITM, Whitney impersonates Lisa by pursing her lips and talking in Lisa’s weird kind of yell-y cadence and It’s upsetting.

But she claims her impression isn’t totally accurate because she can’t look like:

SHOTS. FIRED.

The women arrive at The NoMad

I guess it’s a hotel?

and are greeted by the cast of Glee

who recite a poem:

Gotta say, I’m usually met with a grimace instead of poetry when I check in, but that could be because I’m always traveling with children and usually arrive at the front desk covered in Cheeto dust and or bodily fluid.

Before they head to their rooms, Whitney announces the day’s agenda:

But there’s a scheduling conflict. Jen has a special surprise planned for Heather, so they won’t be able to attend the outing.

Finally, they make it to their rooms.

I don’t often envy these women. But a comped stay in the Suite Royale is looking pretty good at this point in January 2021 after ten months of being in my house.

Whitney is a little panicked about her dates for the afternoon.

You know how you have a group of friends in high school but there’s always that one person in the group that you’ve never spent any time with one-on-one? Meredith and Lisa are both that person for Whitney. Plus, she’s been spreading rumors about them so there’s reason to be nervous.

Jen reveals Heather’s surprise:

It’s a personal luxury shopping experience with Dora and Dominik:

What’s not clear is if Jen is paying for the designer label items Heather likes or simply providing access to them.

You never really know what you’re getting with Jen Shah.

Not even Jen Shah knows what she’s getting with Jen Shah when she topples off the counter:

A true friend grabs your jacket to save your life

Outside the hotel, Lisa and Whitney see each other for the first time and it is awko taco.

Lisa is dressed like a mallwalker for some reason

It only gets more awkward on the drive to the track as the women sit in silence.

Lisa tries to break the ice by name-dropping Patrick Dempsey and bragging about how good she is at racing.

They arrive at the track where hundreds of luxury vehicles are lined up and waiting to be crashed by people who absolutely should not be driving them at 100mph.

I do not understand this business model.

Lisa continues to talk a big game

And I drive a Subaru Outback with a dent on the passenger side from that time I ran into a pole.

all through getting suited up.

But when the rubber hits the road, Lisa never exceeds 70 mph.

Once the driving, or in Lisa’s case crawling, is done, Whitney decides it’s time to address the tension.

She apologizes and tries to explain.

In the end Whitney takes responsibility for listening to Mary and spreading lies, like we’ve all yelled at her to do for the last three weeks.

And things seem to be good but this is Real Housewives so things will never actually be good because that would be a stupid show.

For example, Jen, who just surprised Heather with a shopping spree because she feels bad for treating her poorly, decides to start attacking Whitney and is shocked when Heather, Whitney’s literal blood relative, doesn’t join in.

Things escalate pretty quickly. Like they always do with Jen.

Heather tells Jen she needs to talk to Whitney.

I’m sure that will go off without a hitch. 

We’ll have to wait until next week to witness the explosion.

Until then, check out our audio recaps of the RHOSLC episodes on The Green Room, and subscribe to our newsletter to get these recaps and other Hive Mind content in your inbox weekly. Also, support these recaps and podcasts by becoming a Hive Mind patron.