I regret to inform you that this episode starts in Mary’s house, where Mary—whose pee must be radioactive given all those supplements on the counter—is making breakfast:
Mary and Robert Senior are arguing about whether or not to keep their Florida home. Robert wants to sell it.
The following statement is in response to Mary asking Robert if he would get rid of her if she was old, but I feel like it applies to Mary anytime, anywhere:
In Park City, Meredith and Brooks are shopping for groceries at Riverhorse Provisions,
where I once bought some Children’s Tylenol.
Is there anything more exhausting than being around someone on an insanely restrictive diet and has no medical reason to be?
Also, I’m pretty sure if I wore this to my local grocery store I would be arrested:
At the Shah Chalet, Jen and Sharrieff plan a blind date for Heather with Sharrieff’s long-time friend Big Daddy.
Next, Whitney launches into some family/dad drama:
This storyline is sensitive and kind of dark, so I’m not going to write about it.
Steve’s hair is still bonkers.
That’s all you need to know.
Then we’re back at Cucina Toscana, because I guess they paid the big money and got two episodes.
Jen is setting Heather up with Big Daddy as a gift of sorts because she feels bad after Heather told her she worries Jen would rather be friends with Lisa and Meredith.
At first the setup appears to be a success:
Heather’s into it:
But then Big Daddy makes the mistake of not ordering alcohol:
And Heather is NOT into that:
Then Heather asks Big Daddy about his work as a recruiter, and he goes on
So in the end, Heather appreciates the gesture from Jen, but hasn’t found love.
Whitney wants to repair the relationships she damaged with her drunken shenanigans at Sharrieff’s party, so she plans a girls trip and invites the other housewives:
The invitees respond with varying degrees of enthusiasm:
Lisa immediately calls Meredith to complain about being invited:
Lisa has not moved on from Whitney telling Jen that Meredith and Lisa are afraid of her.
The women prepare for their two-day trip to Vegas by packing for an overseas voyage:
Jen is not only packing clothes and shoes, but lies as well:
The ladies gather in the old SLC airport:
And Whitney has new hair.
Turns out Lisa did decide to come on the trip, but not travel with the group.
She never told Whitney she was coming.
The women arrive in Vegas and find two limos, one for them, and one for their luggage:
Look. I’m an overpacker.
So I really shouldn’t cast stones. But that’s an entire cart full of one person’s luggage for a two day vacation and I just have a lot of questions, like is this some sort of reverse Mary Poppins situation?
Whitney calls Lisa from the car and the call goes straight to voicemail.
But then, four seconds later, Lisa calls Meredith, you guys!
In her ITM, Whitney impersonates Lisa by pursing her lips and talking in Lisa’s weird kind of yell-y cadence and It’s upsetting.
But she claims her impression isn’t totally accurate because she can’t look like:
The women arrive at The NoMad
and are greeted by the cast of Glee
who recite a poem:
Before they head to their rooms, Whitney announces the day’s agenda:
But there’s a scheduling conflict. Jen has a special surprise planned for Heather, so they won’t be able to attend the outing.
Finally, they make it to their rooms.
Whitney is a little panicked about her dates for the afternoon.
Jen reveals Heather’s surprise:
It’s a personal luxury shopping experience with Dora and Dominik:
What’s not clear is if Jen is paying for the designer label items Heather likes or simply providing access to them.
You never really know what you’re getting with Jen Shah.
Not even Jen Shah knows what she’s getting with Jen Shah when she topples off the counter:
Outside the hotel, Lisa and Whitney see each other for the first time and it is awko taco.
It only gets more awkward on the drive to the track as the women sit in silence.
Lisa tries to break the ice by name-dropping Patrick Dempsey and bragging about how good she is at racing.
They arrive at the track where hundreds of luxury vehicles are lined up and waiting to be crashed by people who absolutely should not be driving them at 100mph.
Lisa continues to talk a big game
all through getting suited up.
But when the rubber hits the road, Lisa never exceeds 70 mph.
Once the driving, or in Lisa’s case crawling, is done, Whitney decides it’s time to address the tension.
She apologizes and tries to explain.
In the end Whitney takes responsibility for listening to Mary and spreading lies, like we’ve all yelled at her to do for the last three weeks.
And things seem to be good but this is Real Housewives so things will never actually be good because that would be a stupid show.
For example, Jen, who just surprised Heather with a shopping spree because she feels bad for treating her poorly, decides to start attacking Whitney and is shocked when Heather, Whitney’s literal blood relative, doesn’t join in.
Things escalate pretty quickly. Like they always do with Jen.
Heather tells Jen she needs to talk to Whitney.
I’m sure that will go off without a hitch.
We’ll have to wait until next week to witness the explosion.
Until then, check out our audio recaps of the RHOSLC episodes on The Green Room, and subscribe to our newsletter to get these recaps and other Hive Mind content in your inbox weekly. Also, support these recaps and podcasts by becoming a Hive Mind patron.