This week we emerged from our election stupors and re-engaged with what really matters most— a bunch of people being messy on reality television and science fiction from the nineties.
A Smooth Transition Of Power
While watching Clare interact with her suitors this season of The Bachelorette has felt a lot like watching a stray cat furiously claw at a chalkboard for ninety minute stretches, there’s no denying that Clare has shown the nation how to gracefully bow out of a job she is clearly no longer suited to do.
That’s not to say that Clare’s final episode wasn’t extremely painful. I found myself covering my own eyes in horror as a man with terror in his eyes knelt and proposed to a woman who has formed a fantasy version of him and will very shortly learn that no one is as good as they seem on Instagram.
In tasteful evening wear, and freshly whitened smile, Tayshia stepped out of the limo ready to meet the sixteen men leftover from Clare plus four called up from the minor leagues to make it an even twenty. It would be nice if Chris Harrison could maybe explain how the Tayshia quarantine process worked, because as far as I can tell, he fired Clare and hired Tayshia all in one day and now she’s out here kissing a lot of dudes and I’m just worried for their safety.
Also, I know I cursed it when I said I never wanted to see Clare on tv again. That’s why we got the Clare and Dale interlude during which the two lied through their teeth about having no contact prior to the show. This interview gave us the most uncomfortable fourteen seconds in television history to date wherein Clare says she wants babies and Dale looks as though he might lose consciousness.
Baby McConaughey Is The Worst Boyfriend In Movie History
It’s not really the point of Robert Zemeckis’ Contact, just one of the big takeaways. But before we get to the other big takeaways and sit ourselves in the front row to watch a wrestling match between science and faith, Eli and I try to pinpoint just what it is that makes Ryan Murphy content so insufferable. Is it that every brown-eyed, brunette heartthrob looks like a clone of the brown-eyed, brunette heartthrob of the precious Murphy vehicle? Is it the ham-fistedness with with which Murphy tries to address social injustices? Or is it the M.C. Escher-esque introduction of plot-points that somehow resolve immediately after introduction, only to be introduced in every other episode in the series?
Mormon 2.0, First Assistants, And Tequila Hands
Prior to Wednesday night’s premiere of The Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City, Lindsey Encinas shared her housewives wisdom, which helped me get in the right headspace to meet my six new best friends. But ultimately, nothing could have prepared me for the tow hours that unfolded on my television screen.
The first episode featured quite a bit of armpit content, a scandal surrounding the BYU Honor Code, a difference of opinion on whether it’s appropriate to tell someone they smell like a hospital. Read my full recap here.
Other People On The Internet Talking About Media
Carrie Wittmer from The Ringer created a celebrity talkshow host matrix that ranks celebrity talkshow hosts on their wholesomeness, desperation, chaos, and excitability. Remember when Kris Jenner teased her audience by promising to show them Kim’s new baby North but then didn’t show them Kim’s new baby North? The chaos. The desperation. I respect it.
What We’ve Been Watching
We’re talking My Girl on the next episode of Hive Mind because we want to feel something, even if that something is bee-related devastation.
We’ll dive even deeper into the Housewives drama on the season premiere of The Green Room.
And now that Clare is officially maybe out of our television lives forever, we’ll get to really focus on the fresh start Tayshia has offered us on our next episode of Trash Talk.
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